to an obnoxious dog-owner

Dear Twat,

When your manky dog runs out in front of people's cars and then follows them down their garden paths snapping at their heels, it's time to by a leash and use it.

Do not glare at said car owner and her disgusted neighbour like we're the ones with the problem. Next time I'm not swerving. You have been warned.

You are an idiot,

signed,

Me

the heartbreaker

I bumped into my neighbour in the supermarket the other day.

He's a widower. He nursed his wife of fifty years through the terminal stages of pancreatic cancer at the end of this summer.

He was planning on cooking for his two grown sons, their wives and his grandchildren. It was a weekly tradition that he wanted to keep up, something that his wife had insisted on. He admitted to being a bit lost - it had been his wife's thing - the phone calls, the shopping, the cooking, the organising.

We cracked a few jokes, "Good thing it's cheese season - raclette and fondue, both simple easy meals to prepare." "Hey, what about salad? It's flu season, the extra vitamins will do them good."

We said goodbye. He headed off to the cheese counter. I found a quiet place in the foreign food aisle, between the baked beans and fajita sauce, to compose myself before heading for the checkout.

the pension fund

Here's hoping there are some big sponsorship deals around when Ally and I come to retire.

Scenes from our village's cross country event.

coincidence - i think not

Rory is looking at something on the computer. He starts to chuckle.

"Guess what," he says, "the guy that built the Eiffel Tower...his name was Eiffel as well!"

I start to laugh.

He laughs even more, assuming I'm really appreciating the irony of it all.

Now I'm laughing too much to explain things to him.

He's beside himself - when was the last time a knock knock joke got this sort of response from the audience?

And I guess you just had to be there...

the camera never lies

At school we've just started a new topic called "My Autobiography". The children are compiling the story of their lives so far - some of them have packed a lot of living into eight years, let me tell you. I decided to join in the fun and brought a picture of me aged seven.

I passed it round the girls who oohed and aahed over it, "you're so cute, you're so cute."

It was the boys' turn to have a look, here's what they had to say:

"Your hair was really frizzy."

"Your hair's darker now." (Thank you, Garnier).

"I didn't know they had colour pictures then."

"You look older now."

"Your nose got pointy."

Lock up your daughters. There's a charm offensive coming your way.

shall I compare thee to a chocolate hobnob?

Monday morning: I nibble on rice cakes and fruit for breakfast. It's day one of a group detox I've signed up for.

Monday evening: Ally's facebook status reads: "I'm having one of those 'Sher's just been to the supermarket and the biccie cupboard is stashed' evenings."

I don't even think I get a point for trying.

Good luck to all my fellow cleansers. Long may your colons gleam!

young hearts

Rory and his friend A. are drawing in the kitchen.

Rory "You're in love with Lana."

A. "Yeah, but she isn't in love with me...yet."